'Perhaps the poet whose verses gladden us was sad and solitary, and the musician a melancholic dreamer...What they give us is no longer their darkness, their suffering or fears, but a drop of pure light, eternal cheerfulness...'
--Herman Hesse, Magister
Welcome to Chancedance Chronicles!
|site design ©Sonja Torres, Snakebite Graphics|
Feature of the Week:
Echo of a Tear
Lyric of the Week
Screaming at the window
Watch me die another day
Endless price I have to pay
Sanity now it's beyond me
There's no choice
Diary of a madman
Walk the line again today
Entries of confusion
Dear diary, I'm here to stay
Manic depression befriends me
Hear his voice
Sanity now it's beyond me
There's no choice
A sickened mind and spirit
The mirror tells me lies
Could I mistake myself for someone
Who lives behind my eyes?
Will he escape my soul
Or will he live in me?
Is he trying to get out
Or trying to enter me?
Voices in the darkness
Scream away my mental health
Can I ask a question
To help me save me from myself?
Enemies fill up the pages
Are they me
Monday 'till Sunday in stages
Set me free
Diary of a Madman ~Ozzy Osbourne
This used to take you to my guestbook but will now send me an e-mail which I will add to the guest book.
10/6/15 Looking back at that last post feels like looking back a lifetime ago. Not just because it was over a year ago, but because of everything that has happened since then. I finished my degree and especially enjoyed the painting and art appreciation classes I took last fall. I was quite sick at the end of December so I took the winter semester off to get well then returned to school in March of 2015. We remodeled our bathroom that month and it was also the last time I saw my son. Just 2 weeks into the semester, on April 12, 2015, my son was killed and my life is forever changed. I stayed in school and finished my Digital Design Degree in June then went to Germany in August for my 50th birthday. I had bought the tickets the day before my son passed and it gave me something to look forward to through those first horrible months and during the hardest days of school. Today, just a few days before my son should have turned 30, I sit here typing without joy and filled with pain. I've learned far too much about grief these last 6 months, but in August of 2014 I did start a travel blog and on one of my better days, I wrote something you might find worth reading. You can read it here: http://blissful-wanderer.blogspot.com/ I dedicate that post and this one to my son, Troy Torres Jr.
6/28/14 Happy Summer! We ushered in the Solstice this year in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico in honor of Troy's 50th birthday. Although our trip got off to a bumpy start at a bad hotel, it was all ok once we moved across the street to the great one we have stayed at on our previous trips to this tropical lush city. It's been a long time since we were there in summer though, and I have to say, the bug bites are enough of a nuisance to discourage us from going at this time of year again. Still, it was nice to get away and do nothing harder than sweat over drinks at poolside. I finished my spring semester of creative writing and digital design classes with straight A's and am taking my internship class now (which means I have the summer off school because my job is my internship so it's no extra work.) With the rest of the summer stretching out before us now, it's time to see what we want to do next. Last night we saw the hilariously played Spamelot at Lakewood Playhouse. It runs for another couple of weeks so be sure to catch it. It was fantastic! Tomorrow we'll be hanging out with very long-time friends to celebrate an amazing lady's 80th birthday and next weekend will be 4th of July with our Indian friend followed 2 days later by his wedding. Busy busy, but all lots of fun.
5/13/14 Spring has finally sprung here in western Washington and it's about time! Passed another survival milestone of the first Mother's Day without my mom and I just want to say my heart goes out to all of you out there who have to wish your Mom's a happy Mother's Day in Heaven. My husband and son got me though this tough one and I'm very grateful. I made it though last semester with straight As and am on track to do it again this semester, and good news for my writing friends who still visit this site or stumble across it for the writing, I am in a Creative Writing class till early June and have written some new stuff. I'll be adding the new stories from this class after the semester ends. Right now I'm too busy trying to keep up with all the writing required for the class plus revising all my portfolios for my other class. Until then, below is a teaser, a poem called Fire:
2/7/14 Here's the
lowdown on the last couple of months: Went to Mazatlan in December
and had a very relaxing time after the stresses of the last year and
the months of being injured. Survived my first Christmas without my
mom, and just passed what should have been her 70th birthday. We
were supposed to visit her for her 70th birthday. Instead I worked
hard and tried to think only happy thoughts of her. I'm in school
now trying to finish up my degree, again... Who knows, maybe this
time I'll finally be able to stay in school till I'm done. I have a
digital art class and a public speaking class this semester. Digital
art remains fascinating because it is always changing and evolving
so there is always more to learn. You can see my projects at the
deviantart site I had to set up as part of the class
requirements. The speech class worried me at first but it is turning
out to be quite fun and I'm finding that I'm a pretty good speaker.
I guess I have the years of writing to thank for being able to
choose good words to say out loud also. Next week is my final week
of physical therapy for my back and I'm so looking forward to having
those two days a week back. The combination of PT, chiropractic
visits, full time work and school have just been kicking my butt.
I'm exhausted most of the time these days and except for the trip to
Mexico, there's been no break at all in the activity. Even the
normal break we take for Valentine's Day isn't going to happen this
year. Not enough money built back up yet after December expenses. I
do have one really cool thing to report though. We traded in our
lovely 2007 Harley Davidson Dynaglide for a fabulous 2014 Heritage
Softail touring bike. She's simply gorgeous in black and chrome. We
call her Betty :)
11/9/13 Happy Autumn! It's that time of year when people get wrapped up in the holidays, family time and thinking about where they hope to be or go in the upcoming new year. As for me, I've been doing a lot of thinking and planning. I had to decide whether or not to keep this site up when my hosting renewal came up at the beginning of the month. I decided to give it another year, obviously. I'm not sure what the next few months will bring, but I wanted to keep options open for several reasons. For one, after our last round of trips to Berlin, Troy and I decided we wanted to go back and see Europe more thoroughly and have started looking at a variety of choices ranging from taking an extended vacation all the way to relocating to Europe. Meanwhile, things at my work are taking strange turns and it has become clear to me that I will probably have to find a new job in the next 6-12 months. These things made me realize I probably need to boost up my education to help with the job hunt so I am going back to school in January. I have a meeting with my school advisor next week. As I've thought heavily about what job to do next, and what makes me happy, one thing keeps coming to the surface and that is travel. I love to see new places, get immersed in their history, and experience new cultures and architecture. I watch a lot to travel shows and am now addicted to HGTV's Househunters International. Troy likes it too, and discussion brought out that we would both like to live in Europe to experience it more fully. Suddenly, my future career path became more clear. I have decided to seek a job that will allow temporary or permanent assignment in Europe. The very idea fills me with a creativity and excitement I've not felt in an extremely long time. It is a huge and daunting decision that will require a lot of dedication, planning and research, but I'm hopeful and know that if successful, it will be worth it. The thing I'm seeing from this, and the point I want to leave you with, is that now that we have this dream, this goal, I suddenly know what needs to be done, what steps to take, and how to stay focused. Out of Neptunian fogs of dream and desire, a very real path is emerging. What path can you find from reaching for your dreams?
7/10/13 And yet another 6 months goes by, but a lot has happened in my life since then. My mother had been fighting cancer since 2009 and by her birthday at the end of January, just after my last post, it had started to spread. At the end of March, I got an emergency message from my brother that Mom only had days left and wanted to see me. We were on a plane the next day. The following 2 weeks were spent getting her home from the hospital and care set up. We were part of that care, braving unseasonable snow over Easter for 2 solid weeks, but it was worth it to be there for my mother and brother when they needed us, watching her get stronger instead of weaker. Sadly, her strength did not last and the end of May found us back on a plane for her funeral. We stayed 2 weeks, enjoying memories and sunshine with our son, my brother and mom's partner. Although the loss hurts me deeply, I am glad she is out of pain and can rest at last. I'm also grateful for what I learned from this during the last 4 months.
The first thing I learned was how much my attitude had changed with the shift in perspective. When I returned to work after that first trip in March, I realized I was no longer stressing on all the petty bullshit and little annoyances that had plagued my attitude before that trip. My focus had changed to the bigger life picture. The new perspective brought me a fresh zen-like peace. The second thing I gained, after the second trip, was a shift in priorities. We so often base our lives around our jobs and our responsibilities there. We miss out on time with our children, our spouses, our friends, because it all seems so very important, that daily grind. And yet, when something happens, a family crisis, a death, it all falls away and we drop everything to go deal with the event. It made me consider how much richer and peaceful life would be if we didn't wait till a crisis or death to step away from the job. In the grand scheme of things, I saw, the ones we love are so much more important, and it does little good to wait till a deathbed to tell them so when we could have been showing them throughout their lives. So I say to you now, before you put in that extra hour or two at work, ask yourself if it is really necessary. Is that hour really so vital to the job? Will the company fold or the sky fall if it waited till tomorrow if your child or loved one is missing you today? It's an important question that you will ask yourself at a deathbed. If it's your deathbed, what will your answer be? Make that choice now, while you still can.
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©2001-2013 by Sonja